Why do I push myself?

   Today is one of those days I wonder why I push myself so hard. I know that I need to rest and I know that I need to take care of myself. However, just because I have a disease does not change who I am as a person. It changes my body and it can make me do things differently. It is a big challenge to make my body and my head agree on things. I still have dreams and aspirations. That being said I need to listen to my body more and not ignore it saying "you don't know what your talking about".
    Here is part of my problem. I love my job!! I love being able to help people when they need someone the most. Holding their hand when it looks hopeless or talking them through a difficult time is something that I love. Sometimes being the last person they see before they leave this earth or hopefully someday being the first person they see when they enter this earth. It is all things that make me love my job more. However with these things come strains on my body. So a hard day at work will make me stay home for three and rest. Knowing this though does help. As long as I can do my job I will. In the fall I start the next stage of my journey in the career and that is becoming a paramedic. I am excited and nervous because I do not want to over do it but I also do not want to live with regrets.
    Here is how I look at it. I only have one life and even though it is disease ridden and full of bumps I am going to make the most of it while I am here. If I can help just one person while I am on this earth and can make a difference in even the smallest way then it was worth it. I feel that God put me on this earth to do something and I hope that I don't let him down. I hope that when the time comes for me to join my Heavenly father that I will here from Him, "good job my good and faithful servant". I also push myself for my family. I want them to see that even when things are difficult you can push on and still accomplish things. You might have to bend and change your direction but you can still keep going on. I so want to be a cop but I know that it is not in the book for me. I also would love to be a nurse but right now that is also not in my chapter I am working on. However, I will not let it hold me back and get me down, I will keep moving and change with it. I hope that my children will learn something and know that when they get knocked down that they can get back up and keep going.
     Life is hard!!! I think that if it was easy though we would not appreciate the good that we have. Think about it. If you are handed a million dollars, yes you will appreciate it but you will not feel the feeling of accomplishment. It will be just something that someone gave you. If you work and struggle and earn that million dollars, you appreciate it so much more. You see what it took for you to accomplish that task and you see how much you really can do. We are an amazing creature we have the ability to overcome so much, we just have to believe that we can do it. In that moment you realize nothing is to hard.
    So yes I do push myself to hard and yes I do pay for it. This is a learning process for me also and I am learning that I can change my direction and still live my dreams. They just might be a little different then I thought they might be. Will I ever give up, NO! I might have days I feel like it but in the end I will pull up my boot straps and keep going. So I hope that anyone that is feeling like life is to hard knows that yes in this moment it might look bleak but in the end you are going to be so much better and you will see that you are so much stronger because of it.